Losing Control
by Cassandra106
Summary: Mail's life is slowly spiraling out of control, from his mother's drugs to his sister's drinking. When Social Services comes and picks up his sister and himself, where will he go? What will his home be like? MxM Emo Matt. Drugs. AU. Yaoi.
1. Razor Blade

Okay, so this turned out a lot more emo-ish than I'd intended. It's still written well, right?

...right?

Please review! Matty wants you to!

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><p>I stare at the razor blade in my hands, contemplating.<p>

The blade is long, about one and a half times as long as the handle. It is shining, brand new and freshly polished, with a double edge to it. The handle is rich, red-brown wood, smoothly polished.

I test the edge against my thumb, hissing slightly when it draws blood with the lightest of pressure. Only one thought runs through my mind.

_It would be so easy to end this right now…_

And I know I could do it. No one would miss me, no one would care.

Some people I know would celebrate.

I lightly press the edge of the blade against my arm, testing… what? I don't know.

Maybe I'm wondering how the red blood would look against the skin of my arm.

Maybe I just want to feel a little bit of pain, instead of nothing…

I drag the blade down the width of my arm quickly, leaving a red line against the skin. I hiss slightly, putting the blade back into it's sheath in my back pocket.

I won't bandage the cut. It lasts longer that way. Maybe it'll even get infected…

I could only dream.

"Mail!" a voice angrily calls from the kitchen.

"_What, Mama_?" I sigh, speaking in Spanish because she won't understand me otherwise.

"_Come into the living room. Policemen want to talk to you_." she says in Spanish.

I groan, knowing that the only reason they want to talk to me is because they can't understand any Spanish, and my mother is to lazy to learn English.

I pull my shirtsleeve over the cut and walk into our living room, choosing to eye the threadbare carpet instead of my mother, or the two Police officers for a minute.

"What has she done now?" I ask tiredly. My older sister, Selena, had gotten into a lot of things she shouldn't have lately, and I just _knew_ that this visit was because of her.

One of the officers sighed. "We've been called down here because of the numerous reports of late concerning you and your sister. Is she here?"

"No." I said calmly. I should've known they were here for me, too. I… didn't have the best school detention record as of late.

He gave my mother a look that clearly said _You're such a bad parent, and it's all your fault she's not here._ My mother, not fully understanding what was going on, looked back at him with a blank expression.

"Where is she, then?" The man said. If he stroked his mustache one more time, I would end up a laughing heap on the floor, even though this was _so_ not funny…

I shrugged. "Probably at her boyfriend's. I can call her, if you want."

He nodded, gesturing for me to do so.

"_What do they want?" _my mother asked.

"_Something about me and Selena getting into too much trouble."_ I shoot back, not at all fazed by the slightly crumpled look she gives me. She knows I blame her for Selena's behavior.

She doesn't watch either of us enough, too caught up in her drugs to notice her own children spiraling out of control.

I call Selena's number quickly, ready to get this over with.

"Mail?" her voice rings through the phone, light and pleasant.

"Yeah, can you come home? Now. There's some policemen here and they want you."

"What?" she says. "_What do they want?"_ she hisses in Spanish.

"_They were talking about us getting into to much trouble recently. I think they're from Social Services."_ I say back in kind.

"_Mierda!" _she curses. "I'll be there in five." I hear a sigh from the other side of the phone, as she says goodbye to several people in English.

"Okay, bye." I say, even though she's already hung up on me.

"She'll be here soon." I tell the policemen.

An empty silence fills the room.

"So…." One of the policemen says. "How long have you been in California?"

I glare at him, not really wanting to talk. "About 6 months."

"Your English is very good."

"Thanks."

"Have you been to America before, or did you just learn it?"

"They taught us some English in school." I say, giving him a look that clearly says I would rather not talk to him.

"That's good." he says. "It certainly must come in useful. Is that the only other language you learned?"

I sigh. "I don't really want to talk to you. Can't we just wait until Selena gets here?"

He shrugged, finally silencing.

"_Who did you call?"_ my mother asks, desperate to understand at least a little bit of what's going on.

"_Selena. She'll be here soon." _

A few minutes of terse silence pass before my sister walks in.

Her hair is long and black, falling down to her waist in ruler-straight strands. Her skin is light, and her eye's are dark, framed by long, dark eyelashes.

In short, she looks nothing like me even though we share the same mother. I have dark red hair and blue-green eyes, which I must've inherited from my father.

Oh well. He's gone now. It's not like I can ask him.

"What do you want?" Selena says, looking towards the policemen and standing next to me

"Lately there have been a lot of notices on the behavior of you two. Drugs, liquor, self-harm…" On that last note, he looked straight at me. I tried, and failed, to look innocent.

"We've decided that this isn't a fit house hold for two growing children. Social Services will be here to pick you up in three days. Get packing."

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><p>Matt: How dare you make me all emo!<p>

Cassie: I'm sorry! I'll buy you a new video game!

Mello: And I want chocolate, too.

Cassie: You're not even in this chapter.

Mello: But I am later.

Cassie:...Okay. But only if you do the disclaimer.

Mello: Cassie doesn't own Death Note. I want my chocolate now!


	2. The Readies

I love, _love_, LOVE you all for reviewing! Here, as a reward, is another chapter super early!

Review, because Matty and Mellsy want you to.

I own nothing.

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><p>I make a mental check-list as I look through my bags.<p>

Goggles?

_Check._

Laptop?

_Check._

DS?

_Check._

…sanity?

_Still looking._

I sigh, thinking about the fit my mother threw when she found out Social Services were taking Selena and I. Right now, she's in her room, drowning herself in liquor and pouting.

She didn't even fight for us. She just gave up.

…I don't know why I thought she would try, after all these years, but it still hurts. LA was supposed to be different. An escape from our old lives, what had happened back in Mexico.

To me, it was starting to look almost exactly the same.

Same messed up family, with no chance of healing from old scars.

Game-boy?

_Check._

Shampoo?

_Check._

Cigarettes?

_Check._

My mother had started me on smoking. Encouraged it, even.

How she could look a six year old in the eye and say, _'Have at it!', _I still don't know. When I was little, she would take them away for a few days when I misbehaved. Refuse to give me any.

By the end, I would be a tear-covered mess, crying and begging for them. I guess that's what she wanted. For me to repent.

To this day, I still hate religion because of that.

When I was certain I had everything, I looked back at my room, thinking about the first time I had seen it.

I had been excited. I had dared to hope that this room would be better than the one back home.

_Back_ home. I never stayed here long enough for this place to become home.

The Social Workers are coming in thirty minutes to pick me up, and I still can't find it in me to miss this hell-hole.

The Social Worker is a tight, drawn in little woman, short, with a scrunched-up face and a no-nonsense demeanor. I have a distinct feeling we won't get along, so I shift behind Selena slightly, knowing that she deals with these type of people far better than I do.

It's a reflex, really. I may be fifteen, but I still know to hide behind my sister when I fear getting hit.

Selena and I stand there in the living room, waiting for her to say anything.

"I am Mrs. Green, and I am your Social Worker. Where is your mother?"

Selena looks toward me, not knowing where our mother is. I give Mrs. Green a weak smile, shifting to the side a little bit so that I can fall under her tight scrutiny.

I try not to flinch.

"She's… not in her right mind." I say. "It would be better to not bother her."

"I have to talk with her before taking you."

"Please, _Senorita._" Selena tries. "Our mother is drunk. She would only cause a scene."

The look directed toward us by the sharp little woman is one of pity.

"I see. That will have to be reported." she says, her tone brisk.

"Follow me." She briskly walks toward the door, leaving us no choice but to do as she says.

She goes up to a white Mercedes and gestures for us to step in. Selena delicately lifts her bag and steps in as if she thinks she might break the obviously expensive car. I followed suit, treading carefully.

"Where are we going?" Selena inquires.

"A foster house just got out of LA. The Readies, if I remember correctly."

"So we'll be together?" I ask.

The woman nods. "We'd rather not separate you, unless we have to."

At that, a silence fills the car. The Social Worker turns the key and starts up the engine, driving us away from the house that never got a chance to be a home.

…

The Readies are bright, jolly people with fat bellies and big smiles.

"I think you can settle yourselves from here," Mrs. Green says, giving us a small smile. "If you have any trouble, call me using this number." She hands me a business card, and just like that she's gone.

Mrs. Readie smiles for the millionth time. "You must be the Jeevas children. Mail and Selena, correct?"

Selena nods. I pretend that I don't care if they had the right name or not.

"It's m-EY-lh, though," She says, correcting the woman's pronunciation. "Not m-AY-hl. Like 'you got mail.'"

Mr. Readie squints at me. "_You're_ related? To each other?"

"We have different fathers." Selena supplied.

"_I don't like them."_ I told Selena in Spanish, so they wouldn't understand.

"_I know. We'll just have to be here for a year at most. Until I'm eighteen. Then, I can have custody of you, and we can leave. Try to play nice, at least for now."_

I nodded, somewhat relieved by that knowledge. Only a year of this torture, instead of the 3 I had originally expected. I should've known Selena wouldn't abandon me.

"_Thanks."_

"_Of course."_

"What're they saying?" Mr. Readie said loudly.

"Excuse me." Selena said, playing the card of the blushing little girl perfectly. "My brother can't speak English. He was asking me what you were saying."

"_There." _she adds. _"Now you won't have to speak to them, either."_ I smile at her, showing my thanks.

I would take complete advantage of my sister's compulsive lying.

"Oh." He says stupidly.

"Well, would you tell him that we're glad to have him, then?" Mrs. Readie asked.

Selena nodded. _"Do I really need to repeat that? Just say Thanks."_

"_Gracias."_ I say, nodding towards the couple, and giving them my biggest false smile.

"Well," Mrs. Readie says. "Our main rule here is that we don't take runners or trouble makers. If you try to run away, we won't keep you here, and the second we get our second office referral, we'll send you away, for someone else to deal with. So you think you two can do that?"

Selena nodded. "_You heard that, right?" _She teased. I nodded towards the Readies again.

"One more thing." Mrs. Readie said. "We have one other child staying with us, named Mello. Mail will have to stay with him, because we only have two extra bedrooms, and it wouldn't be good to keep a girl and a boy in the same room. Is that okay?"

"_Is it?"_ Selena asked me. "_I could probably convince them to let you room with me."_

"_I'm fine with it."_ I assured her.

"It's fine." Selena said.

"Then why don't you go and get settled in. Mello will show you to your rooms. Mello?" she bellowed.

"Yes?" A distinctly male voice asked.

"Come down here. We've got some new children you need to show to their rooms."


	3. Addicted

Hello, my devoted readers! I love all of you, so here's another chapter! *glomps all of you*

Another Matt emo moment... but now Mello's here, too!

Please review? It makes me write faster!

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><p>Mello is a tall, lean boy with blonde, shoulder-length hair and a aura similar to that of a lit firecracker.<p>

As in, you feel like he might go off at any second.

He's wearing all leather, with a black vest, and skin-tight pants. On top of it all, he has on combat boots. In his hand, he holds a Hershey's bat.

"So they're going to room together?" he says, looking Selena and I over.

"No," Mrs. Readie says. "We thought the boy could room with you."

The look he gives me is positively venomous. He looks like he's going to explode for a second…

And then, after taking quick glance at the Readies, takes a deep breath and calms down slightly.

"Ok then." he says. "Why don't show you your rooms?"

With that, he turns around , and walks up the stairway he came down from just a few minutes ago. Selena looks at me, and gestures for me to follow him, going up the stairs herself. I follow tentatively.

"This." Mello states, looking sharply back at Selena from the top of the stairs. "Is your room." He gestures toward a door to his left.

"_I'll just go now?"_ Selena says, looking at me. I nod.

"_I'll be fine. I'm sure he won't kill me."_ Selena casts one more worried glance at Mello, before nodding and disappearing with her bags into her room.

Mello looks at me, and I try not to flinch.

"You." he says firmly. "Just so you know, I _do_ speak Spanish."

When I look at him blankly, pretending not to comprehend, he says, "The walls are very thin, Mail. They have ears."

I sigh. _"You're not going to go and tell them, are you?"_

He shakes his head. "_Nah. It's too fun watching you two make complete fools out of them." _I gave him a small smile at that, but he didn't bother with returning it. Instead, he walked me down the hallway a little further before stopping at a blank wooden door.

"_This is our room. You mess with my things or bother me while I'm studying, and I'll kill you."_ I looked him up and down, and then nodded.

"_As long as you don't mess with me or my things."_ He nodded slightly and opened the door.

The room was fairly large, with two beds and a large desk in the middle. Each bed had a small chest for clothing in it. One half of the room, Mello's, was only _slightly _more lived-in.

As in, the only difference was that one side had clothing and books in it. It was very neat.

Mello walked in and sat at the desk. "_I'm studying. If you bother me, you die."_

I nodded calmly. I didn't plan on making nice with him, anyway.

I start pulling things out of my suitcase, then stop as I realize something.

"_You _weren't_ listening in earlier, _were you?"

"_Whatever so you mean?"_ he says, sounding a little too innocent.

"_Before, when you came down to show Selena and I our rooms, you thought that we would be sharing a room. If you had been listening in, you would've known that wasn't the case"_

He shrugs.

"_I had a hunch. So sue me."_

I chuckle, and go back to pilling things out of my suitcase and laying them around my half of the room.

If the rest of my year here's like this, it might not be _too_ bad…

Maybe even livable.

…

A few hours pass, and Mello's still studying intently. I wonder why he tries so hard. He's obviously intelligent enough to get good grades.

After a second of thought on the subject, I shrug it off.

Mostly because I have a much more pressing problem-hunger.

It is 7pm, and I am completely and utterly _starved. _

Should I wait for them to call dinner, or should I just go and get something like I would back home?

I think about bothering Mello for an answer, but quickly decide against it. I already bothered him while he wa studying once, and I had the feeling he wouldn't be so complacent this time.

I can't ask the Readies, either. I 'don't speak English' according to them.

…my only option is to ask Selena to ask them for me, and she slipped out of her bedroom window to visit her boyfriend a few hours ago. I'm covering for her.

So I guess I don't get food. Maybe I should go outside and smoke, at least…

At the thought of getting a smoke, my fingers start twitching, and a craving fills me.

I suddenly realize-I haven't smoked in _hours!_

Mello suddenly speaks up.

"_You're addicted to something, aren't you?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Your fingers are twitching. You keep on looking towards the clock, and you've slowly started fidgeting ever since you came in here. You're experiencing obvious withdraw symptoms." _I didn't know he had been paying that much attention to me. "_What are you addicted to?"_

I sigh. Was it that obvious? _"I smoke. Cigarettes." _

He looks me up and down for a second. _"Are you out or something?"_

I look through my pockets, and…

Shit. I am. I nod.

He throws a pack towards me. "_Some dude handed these to me at school, and I couldn't find a polite way to push them away without starting a fight. Take them."_

"_Uh… thanks."_ It wasn't the brand I was used to, but still. I couldn't afford to be picky.

"_Just don't smoke inside."_ he dismissed.

I nodded, quickly going outside.

…

This night, I lay here, thinking to the constant and steady sound of Mello's breathing.

My mother was most likely throwing another fit right now. She was probably throwing things at the walls, and screaming Spanish curses for anyone to hear, and drowning in alcohol.

I thought about how dependent she was on Selena and I. The roles of parent and child had always been somewhat reversed with us. My sister and I ended up taking care of her more than she took care of us.

There was a time when she had watched over us…

That was before Selena's father left us. My mother swore it was all my father's fault…

But, really, she was the one who cheated on her husband with a man she barely knew.

She could only give me a first name. Matt. I didn't even know if he was really a Matthew or not. Just Matt. One night, when she was drunk and crying, she confessed that he left when he found out she was married.

I remember being enraged that he left, but now I wish I had the same courage.

If I had left my mother a long time ago, _told someone,_ I might not be so fucked up in the head now.

My left arm gains three more red marks tonight.

…the tears that might be going down my face have nothing to do with the idea that I might miss my mother.

How could I miss _her?_

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><p>Matt: You made me emo again! And I finished my video game...<p>

Cassie: Here's another one! *hugs Matt* You know I luurrrvee you!

Mello: But I'm your favorite character, _right_?

Cassie: ...

Mello: Right?

Cassie: ...so maybe you are. But I love Matty, too!

Matt: Will you love me more than him if I do the disclaimer?

Cassie: Of course! (easily bought)

Matt: Cassie doesn't own Death Note!


	4. Matt

Okay, so sorry it was a little late, but my folks shoved a surprise trip on me , and I haven't been able to post this until now. I could barely respond to some reviews.

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><p>The Readies have told Selena that we could skip a few days before starting in a new school if we wanted to, but I <em>want<em> to go.

I need to go-_need_ the distraction of homework.

I need to forget about my mother. Forget about Selena's disappearances late out night to her boyfriend's. So I convinced Mello to drive me there, which was quite a feat in itself, considering he owned a motorcycle.

As we drive to my first day of school, I try to forget that my arms are wrapped around Mello's waist, and that my groin is pushed up against his ass.

I _really_ don't need to think about that right now… I'm bi, but that doesn't mean I have to fuck everyone in sight.

So, instead, I focus on the school building as we quickly approach it. It's brick, surprisingly less modern than my old school back in LA. It's not one big building, either, but several smaller ones, instead. Mello stops his bike, and gets off, holding out an arm to me and helping me do the same.

"You'll probably need to check in at the office first. Think you can handle getting there on your own?" he asks. I nod, not really knowing where to go, but figuring I could find someone to lead me there.

He walks away, meeting up with some other people, and talking to them. I miss his sarcastic presence a little bit, but don't dwell on it.

I have to find someone to lead me to the office, after all.

I look around, finding someone to prey on. People say I'm an irresistible flirt, and, while I don't necessarily believe them, it's still nice to use to my advantage.

My gaze immediately sets itself upon a girl about my age with long, flowing black hair and a Japanese ancestry. She's wearing fairly modest clothing, and I just can't _wait_ to get under her shell a little bit.

…it has nothing to do with the fact that she looks absolutely nothing like Mello. Nothing at all.

I walk up to her, trying to fix a look of apprehension in my gaze as I stand next to her.

My shields have already been set in place. It's not like she has to know that I really _hate_ interacting with people of any kind.

"Hey," I say, trying to mix a tone of uncertainty into my tone as I look at her form under my eyelashes. "I'm new here. Can you help me find the office?"

She nods calmly. "I'm Naomi. And you are?"

"M-" I start to say my name, but it catches in my throat. For a while, I decide, I don't _want_to be Mail; I would rather be anyone _but_ the boy who cuts himself and still cries for his mother during the night.

I'd rather be anyone but myself.

"Matt." I finish. "I'm Matt." It has a nice ring to it; Matthew is _certainly_ not a Mexican name, to boot.

If she notices my slip, she doesn't comment on it, instead voting to point me over to the office calmly, and wish me a nice day. I smile on my way away from her; she really is a nice girl.

This school might just be okay, if everyone is like Naomi.

…

My first teacher is a small woman, with many points on her. She reminds me of the Social Worker who dropped me off at the Readies' house.

"We have a new student today." she says dryly. "Everyone, this is Ma-"

"Matt." I interrupt. "I'm Matt."

The teacher gives me stern look, but accepts it, not seeming to care either way what people call me. I do this all day, making sure that, by the time lunch comes around, everyone knows me as Matt, not Mail. Never Mail.

At lunch time, I'm stuck. The tables are outside, under a large patio, and all the students, walking, talking, _being_ make my stomach jump up into my throat.

Where am I supposed to sit in this group of people that have already made their friends, chosen their sides, and picked who to hate? With the surprising lack of monitoring teachers, I could probably smoke in a corner, but which one? The one with the nerds in it will probably be the most inviting, but do I _really _want to sit with them? Maybe I should go over to the corner full of potheads, but I don't smoke _that._

The only other corner that isn't infested with people I don't know looks the most promising, but it also has Mello in it.

Not that I find anything wrong with Mello; no, it's not that at all. I just don't want him to start thinking that we were friends…

That would be bad. Friends expect things of you, and I don't need that.

Luckily, I'm saved from having to make that choice by a extremely pretty girl from who-knows-where in gothic Lolita-style clothing and pigtails as she walks up to me and takes my arm, leading me through the throng of people.

"Hi! I'm Misa." she babbles. "Your name's Matt, right?" When I nod, she continues on. "You're kinda cute. Want to sit with me?"

"Sure," I reply hesitantly, trying to resist the urge to run far, far away from this overly-friendly girl. I settle for shaking her hand off my arm as she sits me down at her table, depositing my lunch on the surface in front of me.

"Hey," Misa says to the people around us. "This is Matt. He's new. I thought we could let him sit over here with us?" A few people mutter "Hey" under their breaths, and Misa rockets on. "Okay, so this is Naomi"-she points to the girl I met before, who gives me a half wave- "and this is Light, my boyfriend,"-she gestures to the boy beside her, who doesn't even bother paying her a lick of attention, instead chatting it up with a black haired boy next to him- "that over there is Mello,"-she says, gesturing to my roommate, who mutters something about how we already know each other- "and that is Near."- she gestures to a small albino-looking boy, who doesn't even have a lunch, instead voting to play with some toys on the tabletop. "He doesn't talk much, so don't even bother with him." Misa finishes, smiling triumphantly.

"Cool," I say, because I'm obviously supposed to say something. Misa giggles, clutching at my arm like she's physically attached to it.

I wonder idly if I'll be able to clamp it off before I get home. Probably not, from the looks of it.

Oh well. I found somewhere to sit down.


	5. Is it Enough?

Yay! Another chapter! I always like to post new ones. I hope you like it! And, please review!

P.S. Thanks to all the ones who have already reviewed! I read all your reviews and I love you all.

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><p>"So, Misa decide to take you in?" Mello asks me as we're motor-biking home, me behind him like before.<p>

I almost nod, before thinking back on what exactly he'd said.

"What do you mean, 'take me in'?" He chuckled, taking a turn on the road. We were almost there.

"I was just referring to how you were standing there, staring at the crowd and scared shitless." I shook my head against his shoulder as the house came into view.

"I was not."

"Su-ure. Doesn't matter either way, though, Misa always manages to take in new strays that catch her eye. If they haven't found a click yet, she grabs them up." I sighed as we stopped in the driveway, getting off the motorcycle and waking up in front.

"I would've done fine on my own without her, thank you." I say, somewhat bitterly.

For a moment, I think he's not going to say anything as he walks in beside me. But then he does.

"_I don't think so." _he whispers as he brushes past me, blond hair hiding his expression from my view.

And for some reason, I can't get the odd tone in his voice out of my head.

…

The Readies are watching TV loudly in the living room after a late "family" dinner, so I excuse myself and walk out to smoke, checking my watch on the way and seeing that it's 6:35 now.

I walk out, carefully hiding behind a tree so that I can see the front yard but no one can see me through a window. I take this moment to really expect the house.

It's wide and long, almost trailer-ish in it's proportions, with two floors and windows covering every few feet. _Odd. _I think distractedly. _Mello's and my room doesn't have any windows. _The rest of the house is white, paper-flat and ordinary-looking.

I'm so caught up in my observations that I don't even notice Mello as he walk up behind me.

"Hey," he drawls, startling me into dropping my smoke. "Don't you know smoking is unhealthy?

I glare at him, rubbing the wasted cigarette into the ground with my foot. "As I recall, _you_ gave me this pack."

He gives me a small smile. "Yeah. I guess I did," he says softly, looking over my shoulder at something that I doubt I could see even if I turned around.

"Why are you out here?" I blurt after a few minutes of painful silence. The corner of his lips quirk up slightly at that, and he sighs.

"I don't really know. I just… needed a fresh breath of air, I guess." I nodded, and we lapsed into silence.

Suddenly he turned, looking at me with a strange tint to his eyes.

"What's the point in all of this?" he whispered, his eyes drifting up to the stars after he'd finished. "Why do we keep on trying… when it's all for nothing?"

For a few minutes, I don't know what to say.

…and then I think of something.

"This is going to sound really corny, but in my experience, there's always one person who makes it all worth it. There's always going to be one person who you'd be willing to do anything for, and I think that's the only thing that's worth it.

"…but, from what I've heard, they're always enough."

He keeps on staring up, seemingly lost in the stars. "How do you know?" he whispers, sounding so lost.

"…I've seen it." I say. "My mom… she used to talk about my dad like he ruled the very world. Like everything revolved around him. Even though he left her, she still loved him."

Mello seemed to think on that for a second.

"I don't know. Isn't that a little sad? I mean, why care so much if it's only going to hurt you in the end?"

"_Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."_ I mutter.

We stand there for some time, but no other words are exchanged.

"Maybe," he finally whispers, some time later, before suddenly turning around and leaving.

…the night air feels much colder without him.

…

Misa clamps herself to my arm the moment we arrive at school.

"Mello!" she trills. "Why didn't you _teellll_ me Mattie would be coming with you?" I wince at the word "Mattie", but let it go.

He shrugs. "I guess I didn't think about it."

Misa shakes her head at him and clucks her tongue. "Bad Mello." she says, treating him like a misbehaving cat. She then tugs on my arm towing me away, Mello slowly and leisurely following. "C'mon, let's _go." _she says.

I make a face at Mello, and he grins, mouthing, '_Suck it up.'_ I stick out my tongue at him, laughing slightly at his surprised expression.

Score one for Mail. …Matt. Whatever.

Misa stops when we reach Light, her boyfriend, and the boy with the messy raven-colored hair that he was talking to before. They're arguing, from what I can gather, about politics.

"Light!" Misa chirps, letting go of my arm for a second, clinging on to Light's with unabashed passion.

"Misa, get off." he mutters, before returning to his conversation.

I realize I don't know the black-haired boy's name.

"Hi?" I say, walking up to him and holding out my hand. "My name's Matt. And yours?"

"L." he replied simply, grabbing my hand in two fingers and lifting it up and dropping it down with them before releasing it.

I gave him an easy smile. "Misa didn't tell me your name, so I thought I might ask." But he was already back into his conversation with Light, and didn't seem to notice.

_Okay, then…_ I thought slightly bitterly. Almost no one brushed me off like that. Ever. L was certainly different.

Suddenly, Misa clamped herself back on my arm, steering me away.

"Don't talk to L," she sniffed. "He's very mean, stealing my boyfriend away from me." I nodded calmly, not being able to see it as a very large sacrifice.

…I had the distinct feeling this was going to be a very long day.

* * *

><p>L: You made me a nasty boyfriend-snatcher.<p>

Cassie: I'm sorry! You can have some cake!

L: Okay. *reaches for cake*

Cassie: *snatches it away* But only if you do the disclaimer!

L: Cassie does not own Death Note.


	6. Supposed to be

Hey, peoples, try not to be too mad at me for not posting... MAP testing... Again, sorry, but it's all good now, so don't worry. This chapter's a LITTLE angst-y, but that's okay, because we've also got a little fluff, if you squint hard enough.

Review, please?

* * *

><p>"Maaaatttieee!" Misa trills, obviously displeased with my lack of response with whatever question she asked me.<p>

"Oh." I say, snapped out of my daze and looking around the lunch room frantically. "I'm sorry. What was that?"

Misa giggles. "I was asking you what you thought about my new modeling job, but _obviously_ you're distracted." she says, looking towards Mello indiscreetly.

I can feel myself blush crimson. I _had _been staring at Mello, hadn't I… I was suddenly very glad for the blonde's earphones; whatever music he was playing, he obviously couldn't hear Misa, for all that he was sitting right next to us.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I murmur to Misa, hoping no one's listening.

Misa giggles again, clutching my arm as the bell rings, signaling the end to lunch.

"Whatever you say, Mattie…" she chirps.

…

My classes go through in a blur, thanks to stupid teachers and easy work. As we leave to go back to the foster house, Mello chuckles, his back vibrating warmly against my back.

"What?" I ask.

"Oh, nothing," he says lightly. "Just something Misa said to me earlier."

My blood freezes, but I try to keep cool. _No reason to assume anything, _I tell myself.

"It was ridiculous, really." he continued as we made a turn. I was suddenly even more conscious of our… _position. _You know, his ass pressed against my crotch.

"What did she say?" I ask, trying to keep a calm tone.

He chuckles again, and I gulp, thinking that there were so many better positions we could be in during this conversation, where my neck _wasn't_ resting on his shoulder as we neared the house.

"Oh, nothing." he says, and I'm flooded with relief and a little bit of anxiousness at the same time.

…was whatever she told him _that _bad?

The only thing I can think as we stop at the house is simple.

'_How the hell does he confuse me so easily?'_

…

Selena is worrying me. She's always been a bit of a free spirit. I know that.

…but she's been leaving the house during the night since we came here. I would know, because she always has me cover for her, locking her door and playing loud music in it so the Readies won't know she's not in there.

I'm sure she's out partying, and it's not going to be long before she comes back wasted.

So, this time, when she tells me to cover for her, I say no.

"_What do you mean, _no?" she says.

I sigh. _"You've been partying every night. It's not healthy."_

She gives me a completely upset look and dashes off to her room, slamming the door behind herself.

Mello comes up from the door of our room, looking over my shoulder at Selena's.

"_What's with the slamming of doors?"_ he murmurs.

…I look at him in surprise. _Does he know he just spoke to me in perfect Russian?_

One look at him, with his hair sticking out in all directions and his perfectly bleary eyes has me remembering it's 11:30 at night. He probably doesn't even know he's awake.

"_It's probably for extra effect,"_ I say back in kind, just before he collapses.

How long has he been studying? I grab him by the waist before he falls, and walk him into our room.

He's already asleep by the time I lay him on the bed.

…I can't help but think he looks really cute like that.

…

The next day at school, Misa is crying as we arrive.

"Mattie!" she sobs as she runs over to me, grabbing me in one big hug.

"What's wrong?" I ask, somewhat worried despite myself.

She just shakes her head against my black and white striped shirt. I can feel the moisture seeping through the shirt.

Naomi walks up to us with an apologetic smile on her face. "I'm sorry," she says. "Light broke up with her. I was on comforting duty, but I turned my back for a second and she was gone."

"It's fine." I say, but Misa is already in Naomi's arms, and I can't help but feel relieved.

"So… Why'd he break up with her?" I say, even though I think I already know.

"L." she says simply, stroking Misa's hair, and I nod. Figures.

"Light's a bastard." I state calmly. I suddenly realize Misa's found a way to sneak herself into my affections without my realizing.

I actually _care_ about her.

"Bye," I mutter to them, looking down at the ground as I run away, ignoring Mello's voice calling from behind, because I can't talk to him, I just _can't._

…

I wasn't supposed to get comfortable. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

I was supposed to wait through the months until Selena turned 18, go through the court systems, and then _leave. _

I wasn't going to make friends. I wasn't supposed to _care. _

I ran into the bathroom, stumbling and cursing myself because I _knew_ where it was, dammit, and this wasn't right.

It just _wasn't._

I stumble in and lock the door, for once very thankful that the bathroom was a single one; no stalls. I fall down to the floor, cursing myself as tears fell down into my outstretched hands.

I'm such an _idiot._ Wouldn't you think I might realize by now that friends only let you down again?

Don't you think I would've _learned?_

I can hear Mello, banging at the door, calling my name.

'_No,'_ a voice calls snidely in my head. '_He doesn't want you. He wants Matt. Not Mail. Matt.'_

I cry, stubbornly refusing to open the door for him. He stops yelling, and the lock starts to bounce back and forth. I can hear him fiddling with it. Suddenly it bursts open, and he's in here with me, closing the door behind him and sitting down next to me.

"_What the heck, Matt?" _he asks, his voice soft now that he doesn't have to yell through a closed door.

And suddenly his arms are around me, and, even though I have no idea how they got there, I wouldn't have it any other way.


	7. To feel

Sorry it's a bit late, a lot of CRAZY things have been happening lately...

* * *

><p>People sneak up on you; before you know it, they've wormed their way into your affections and you have almost no way of taking them out.<p>

I try to accept it, but this place is changing me, little by little, in a way that I never would've expected.

Mello doesn't ask me what's wrong-he, unlike most people, seems to know that, right now, I just need someone to be there.

I eventually stop crying.

"We're late," I croak against his chest.

"We can skip if you want," he mutters. "I could care less, and you, frankly, look like crap."

I laugh, and, even though it's a little breathless, I'm better for it.

"Let's go home." I say.

I don't even realize that the house was never meant to become a home.

…

I've never had someone that I could lean on before. It's… nice, to have someone I can talk to.

Someone who won't pry. I need that.

So I slowly find myself clinging to Mello more and more. Not that I eould ever let him know that I lean on him so heavily…

I think he knows all the same, though.

Oh, well. I forget why I care if he knew in the first place.

…

I ride to school with Mello a few days later. Everything's going fine, and I'm happier for it.

Then I step off the side of the bike.

I walk a few steps, but dread fills me the second I step on my left leg. It feels wrong…

Just seconds before it falls out from under me.

I've always had trouble with that one leg; ever since the accident back in Mexico. Sometimes it falls out from under me, sometimes it hurt for no reason. Before, my mother absolutely refused to send me to a doctor; she'd gone on and on about how it was fine.

As Selena had said once, 'Bullshit.'

I curse as I fall down, twisting my ankle slightly and wincing as my face nears the concrete.

And then it stops, and Mello's arm is around my waist, pulling me up.

"Thanks," I mutter, and start walking to Misa.

Mello's hand around my wrist stops me.

"What _happened_ to you?" he hisses.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I tripped."

Mello reaches down to my left knee, pressing at the joint. When I wince, he gives me a grim smile.

"Tripped, my ass. You were badly hurt in this leg before, and it _obviously_ didn't heal right." he states. "I know what a bad leg looks like, _Mail."_

I try to jerk my arm away from him, but he holds on. I sigh.

"_I broke my leg back when I was in Mexico. You're right, I didn't heal right. I'm fine, though. Really."_ I say, using Spanish to make sure no one hears.

He shakes his head lightly, letting my arm go and starting to walk away.

He doesn't even meet my eyes as he says, "_Talk to me when you're willing to tell me the truth."_

Misa runs up to me, suddenly attached to my arm and babbling about nothing in particular. I don't bother to listen.

I haven't talked to Mello in a week. He buries himself in schoolwork, pretending that I don't even exist, that I'm not even there.

Misa got back together with Light. He sent her a bouquet of blood-red roses and an apology letter, and she accepted without even thinking about it.

That bastard. I'm fairly certain that he's only going out with her so that no one thinks he's fucking L.

I look in the mirror as I dress for school today in Mello's and my shared bathroom.

I'm wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, and I'm holding a black and red striped, long-sleeved t-shirt in my hands, preparing to put it on. But my eyes are more focused on my arms, and the multitude of scars they possess.

On the new cuts that show bright red against the pale white of my arms.

Suddenly, the bathroom door bursts open, and I realize I forgot to lock it.

"What are you-" Mello snaps, before taking a look at just _who_ is in here, and swallowing. He stares at me blankly for a second, clearly surprised.

Then his eyes zero in on my arms.

"What the hell?" he whispers, looking at me like I'm insane.

"What the _fuck _were you thinking?" he half-screams, grabbing my arm.

"How long?" he whispers, staring at the scars.

When I refuse to answer, he says it again, with more force this time.

"_How long?"_

"A-about a year…" I stammer, unable to meet his fiery blue eyes. "A little more."

He grabs my chin, fixing me with his eyes before sighing and letting me go.

"Stay." he says, pointing at the ground like I'm some pet dog and disappearing. After a few minutes, he returns with a packet of gauze and some disinfectant.

"Hold still," he instructs, sitting me down on the edge of the bathtub and starting to wrap my arms.

There is a terse silence for a few seconds.

"_Why?" _he whispers.

My voice is hoarse as I say, "To feel."


	8. Better Ways

Heeyyy! Remember, you can't kill the author for a late update if you expect another chapter. _*hides behind desk*_ Just remember that, okay?

Please review! I'll love you forever!

And please read the author's note at the end of the chapter if you love me at all...

* * *

><p>Mello is quiet for a few moments as he digests that piece of information. Then he shakes his head back and forth.<p>

"There are so many better ways to feel." he says. I raise my eyebrow at him, surprised by his answer.

"Like what?" I whisper, pulling at the now completed bandages on my arms.

His hand stops mine, grabbing them both in strong fingers, before he uses the other hand to lift my chin so that I'm looking him in the eyes.

He has the weirdest expression on his face. Almost sad, but so…

Hopeful. That's the right word. _Hope._ In him, I see hope.

"This." he whispers before softly touching his lips to mine.

I freeze. What do I do, when this is just so unexpected?

At first, I think that this _must_ be a joke. Really, I barely know him. Why would he even want to kiss me?

But then his tongue probes gently at the area between my lips, and I have much more _important_ things to worry about.

…

A few days later, the kiss is still hovering between us in a bit of an uncomfortable way. Mello doesn't let me stray from his sight for more than an instant; he seems to have decided that I'm not allowed to be alone under any circumstances.

It's nice to think he cares, but it's also a bit annoying.

I mean, I can't go into a bathroom without him searching it first!

"Mello," I say, exasperated.

"What?"

"Do you _really_ have to search a room before letting me in?" He gives me an incredulous look that clearly says, _'Of course I do.' _before going back to looking through the medicinal cabinet.

"Can you at least _talk to me?"_ I whisper, and when he stiffens slightly, I know he feels the weight between us, too.

He starts moving again after a second. "I am talking to you." he says.

"Talking," I murmur. "But not communicating."

Suddenly the Mello that is also a firecracker explodes.

"What do you want me to say!" he practically shrieks. "I'm sorry? I didn't mean it? I'm not going to, because, frankly, I did. I really like you, Mail, and regardless of all the shit you seem to put me through, I'm just _not ready_ to listen to you tell me that you're not gay, or you just like me as a friend. Maybe later, but for now, just let me be, okay?"

Silence hangs in the air, and I have the feeling it's much louder than Mello's outburst.

"Are you done screaming now?" I ask.

He nods slightly.

I walk over to him, grabbing him by the arms and shaking him slightly. "Now. Why would you think I would say that? When have I done _anything_ to make you believe I'm like that?"

He flushes, but doesn't say anything.

Leaning forward, I press my lips against his for just a millisecond, savoring the taste that is purely _Mello_.

"That's sad." I whisper against his lips.

"But, then again," I say. "We've got a lot of time to get to know each other better, don't we?"

He nods a little bit too enthusiastically, leaning in to kiss me again.

I decide right then and there that I absolutely love to kiss him.

The next day, I'm smiling as I wrap my arms around him on the way to school.

I haven't smiled this much in so long; it's a good feeling.

"You're happy today," Mello observes as we turn a corner. I nod.

"Very." I say in his ear. On impulse, I lean forward slightly, rubbing my hips against his ass. He pushes back lightly, letting out a small gasp, and the motorcycle swerves a bit.

"Tease," He mutters, a sour note to his voice. I smile slightly.

"But you _lo-ove _it," I tell him in a sing-songy voice.

He chuckles, the vibrations ricocheting across my chest. "You don't know how much." he says as we stop at the school parking lot. He helps me get off the bike slowly, as he has helped me with everything for the last few weeks, from stairs to inclines.

Like he thinks my knee will fall out at any moment.

When I'm fully out of the vehicle, he rests his arm around my shoulders, giving me a look that says _'You can shrug out of it if you want.'_

I don't. Let them stare. They do anyway, frankly.

I lean closer to him and delight in the small smile he gives me.

Everything is right with the world in this one moment.

"Mattttiieee!" Misa shouts, running up to me and clinging onto the arm that isn't already taken. "Are you dating Mel-Mel?" she trills, looking up at me and fluttering her eyelashes. I take a glance at Mello when his arm around me tightens slightly.

He gives me a look that says it's purely up to me what I tell her.

Oh, hell. Why not.

"Yeah." I say, giving her a small smile.

Her smile is brilliant. "Awwww… How cute! Light's over there talking with _L_"-she sneers-"so why don't we go and see what Takada's doing?"

I nod lightly, looking to Mello to see if he wants to go. He shakes his head.

"I'm going to go talk to L for a little bit." he says lightly, with a weird expression in his eyes. "You go ahead."

I pull out of his arm, giving his back a searching look as he leaves.

Suddenly, something doesn't seem right.

* * *

><p>Okay, peoples, so this is how it goes:<p>

I need a beta, but it would have to be somebody who has a Gmail and wouldn't mind me emailing them the chapters instead of doing it on here with fan-fiction. Please tell me if you're interested!


	9. Never Leave

Hey, guys! It's a little late, but you get a longer chapter, so don't you dare complain.

Please review! Love you all. _  
><em>

* * *

><p><em>Mello's fingers teasingly pull at the goggles covering my eyes.<em>

"_C'mon," he says, laughing. "Let me see." I shake my head, ducking out of his grasp and running across our room._

"_No," I say, giggling. "Don't." His fingers grasp only a few inches from my waist and I fall backwards, my back landing the mattress of my bed with a thump. Mello falls along with me, due to my hands desperately grasping at his shoulders as I fell._

_Suddenly, the atmosphere in the room changes as we lay there, tangled on the bed. He's staring into my eyes, and suddenly I want him to take the goggles away._

_But my hands still stop his as he reaches up._

"_Why?" he whispers, brushing a curl of hair off my forehead instead. "It's not like I'm going to think your eyes are ugly, or anything."_

_I try not to wince, and suddenly his gaze is thoughtful. Before I can think, he shifts, grabbing both of my hands in one of his, and I'm suddenly presented with one unwavering fact._

_Mello is much stronger than me._

_His other hand reaches up and he runs a finger down my cheek. He kisses me lightly and, despite myself, I relax a bit. _

"_Calm down." he says. "I just want a peek…" I shake my head vigorously._

"_No," I plead._

_His fingers reach up for my goggles, heedless of my pleas. _

"Matt! Are you okay?"

It takes me a minute to gauge my surroundings. I'm in my bed, but I'm under the covers, and Mello is over me, but at a much more comfortable distance, with only one hand touching my shoulder lightly.

"Are you okay?" he repeats, pale eyes darting over my figure worriedly.

"I'm fine," I say, lifting myself out of the bed and pushing the covers off of myself. I finger lightly rests at the side of my face, feeling the edge of my goggles to make sure they are still there.

Mello notices, just like he notices everything.

"Why do you wear those to sleep?" he says wonderingly.

I give him a small smile.

"No reason." I say.

He knows I'm lying just as well as I do, but doesn't call me out on it.

…

For the first time in so long, Selena is there when I wake up in the morning.

"_Good morning." _she practically sings. I raise an eyebrow, sitting up in my bed.

"Someone _is cheerful this morning," _I say. She giggles.

"_Guess what?" _she says.

"_What?" _She smiles and leans down, so that her lips brush my ear as she says:

"_I saw Mama. She's going to pick us up tonight, bring us home."_ She pulls back.

My heart gives a painful flop in my chest. I remember that this used to be what I wanted, but it simply _isn't_ anymore.

Somehow, I had gotten it into my head that I would be here forever, with a best friend named Misa and a boyfriend that actually cares.

Selena looks worried.

"_What's wrong?"_

I look into her face and lie.

"_Nothing. I just can't wait to be home."_

…

Mello, just like always, can tell that something's wrong. He keeps his arm around my waist all day, holding me close and, even though he doesn't say anything, I know he's worried.

Even when my leg falls out as we walk up some steps, all he does is help me up. He doesn't say a word, only holds on to me with a stronger grip.

Eventually, I decide I can't deal with this strange quietness any longer. I drag him to the bathroom that I cried with him in, closing the door to the bathroom.

"Say something." I beg.

"…Hi?" I shake my head, grasping him into a tight hug.

"Never leave me." I murmur into his chest. He chuckles slightly, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Is _that_ what you've been so worried about?" he asks, pulling me back lightly so that he can see my face. "I'm never going to leave you."

He kisses me lightly, just a brushing of lips, but suddenly I want _more._ I reach around his neck, entwining my fingers there and pulling him closer.

He freezes for a second but I don't care. I push my lips against his with new determination, needing him to become a player in this game. I begin to play with his lower lip, pulling it lightly between my own.

He gives out a small growling noise, before tightening his arms around my waist, pulling me flush against his chest. His lips start moving, and soon I don't have to give an effort any more-this is just action and reaction, pure _feeling. _

His tongue brushes against my lower lip and he lets out a small growl as I part them. Our tongues dance-nowhere _near _equals, but that's not the point.

Right now, it's the dance itself that matters, not the skill.

Eventually he pulls his lips away from mine, and I'm surprised at the needy whine I give off. Was that really me?

He chuckles lightly, and I can feel the vibrations against the hollow of my throat as his lips move down. When his teeth brush against my collar bone, I roughly butt my groin against his.

In response, his hands leave my waist, hooking around my ass and hoisting me up so that all my weight leans on him and I can feel a distinct hardness against my thigh as I instinctively wrap my legs around his waist.

My mouth seeks his out again, and he gives off _that _growl again.

Who am I, again? All I remember is that I'm the one with _him. _

And then a knock on the door ruins it all.

Selena's voice echoes through the room. _"Mail? I know you're in here. She's here."_

I freak out.

"I'm not here." I whisper in Mello's ear. He gives me a confused look but nods.

When he tries to put me down, I lock my legs around his waist.

"_No."_ I whisper, this time in Russian because I know Selena won't understand even if she did hear. _"She'll hear it or see the shadows from under the door. Tell her that I'm not here and you don't know where I am."_

He nods. "_I want an explanation later."_

I nod, consenting that I'm going to have a hard time tonight if I even get through the minute.


	10. Unimportant

**He-lo! You'll probably be happy to know that I've been so obsessed with this story latley that I'm neglecting my other one as a result. This will probably get more updates, more and more common as it goes along.**

**Nice, longer chapter, too! You people better me happy with me and review a lot. **

**Oh, and thanks so much to my lovely beta CatatonicVanity. Check her out now!**

* * *

><p>Selena spends another 7 or 8 minutes trying unsuccessfully to make me leave the bathroom before giving up and leaving. Part of me is disappointed that she left without more of a fight, but the other part shoves it down, reminding myself that I wanted her to leave.<p>

…It still hurt.

Mello clears his throat, startling me out of that thought track.

"Sorry," I say, my voice a little hoarse as I unwrap my legs from around his chest. "I'm trying to figure out how to start this." He gives me a small nod, and I start.

"My mother was waiting at school to pick me up and take me back," I murmured. The sound of his breathing next to me stutters, but he doesn't say anything. I hide my face in his chest, a little bit because I'm afraid of his reaction, and a little because I want to convince myself that the outside world doesn't exist for this one minute.

"If I had left with Selena, I would probably be on my way to hopping the border right now." He pulls me back lightly so that he can see my face.

"Why didn't you go?" he whispers. "I know so many people who would jump at the chance to get back with their families, but you stayed."

I look up at his eyes.

When I first saw him, I remember thinking that they were a cloudy gray-blue color.

Now, I know different. Whenever he's… serious about something, whenever he truly cares, they turn a bright, piercing blue that's hard to escape.

"Because there's nothing for me there," I say, wincing when I realize I spoke without thinking. He doesn't answer, though, instead taking the rosary off his neck and placing it around mine instead after placing it against his lips for the barest of seconds.

"Why?" I ask, confused. His lips brush against my ear as he whispers; "Because you need it more than I do."

…

Policemen come to the house that night to interrogate me about Selena's whereabouts. The Readies try to explain to them that I don't speak English, but Mello smooths it over, saying that I'd learned some at my new school.

It was a fairly convincing lie, and I made sure to speak as simple English as I could.

I thought about telling them that Selena was probably in Mexico with my mother, but decided against it. I had already decided not to come, but that didn't mean I couldn't give them the best chance of leaving that they could get.

…

After the police officers left, the house was filled with a strange kind of quiet. It was the kind of peace right before a storm.

Mr. Readie clears his throat loudly.

"Well, I'll be going to bed now. It's been a long day, hasn't it?" He is up and gone before anyone can even try to answer.

Mrs. Readie smiles in my direction. "Don't worry, hun'," she says. "I'm sure they'll find her soon." She follows her husband. It's a bit ironic that she thinks that'll help-the truth is, I don't want her to be found.

I lean on Mello's shoulder, thoroughly exhausted.

"I'm glad that's over," I tell him truthfully. He nods.

"I know what you mean." He kisses my forehead lightly. "Why don't we go to bed?"

That night, I lay beside him on his bed, feeling safer in his arms.

…

I wish I could skip the next day of school, but I know that the alternative-me brooding for 8 hours at home-is a bit worse, so I don't disagree when Mello insists.

I get out of bed lazily, looking him over with bleary blue-green eyes.

He's already dressed, though not in his leathers. Today, he's in black skinny jeans and a slightly over-sized green tee with the 'Mello-Yellow' soda brand on the front. His shoulder-length hair, usually left down, is in a messy ponytail.

I raise my eyebrow.

"What?" he says. "I'm feeling a bit lazy today. Got a problem?"

I give him a crooked smile, wide awake as I walk over and kiss him lightly.

"Not at all," I say, walking off to take a shower.

A few minutes later, I'm doing it again-staring at my arms.

Most of the lines there are healed now, thanks to Mello's careful supervision, but I can still clearly see the scars from a year of harming myself repeatedly. I decide to wear my gloves today, feeling the need for a bit more coverage on the arms that I used to mangle.

…

"Maaaattttttiiiieeee!" Misa screeches as I arrive at school that day. "Are you okay? I heard about Selena." She gathers me in a tight hug and I can hear Mello chuckling behind me.

"I'm _fine_," I say. When she gives me an incredulous look, I say, "_Really._ I am."

"Are you _suurrreee_?" she asks. "Because I would be very upset if my Mel-Mel disappeared."

"…What?" I ask, tilting my head slightly.

Mello chuckles again, this time pulling me out of Misa's arms to wrap his arm over my shoulder.

"You didn't know? I'd thought it was pretty obvious. Misa is my half-sister."

I look back over both of them, momentarily stunned.

There was a resemblance, I soon learned, in the blue of their eyes and their blond hair.

"Which parent?" I asked lightly, trying to get a mental picture.

"We have the same mother," he clarified.

"Yeah," Misa piped up. "Mel-Mel's dad-"

"-is_ unimportant_," Mello said in an icy tone, effectively cutting her off. "Why don't we go inside?"

I nodded uneasily, all the while feeling distinctly like I had missed something that was very important.

* * *

><p><strong>Mello- What the hell is that about? Just when Matt's problem's go away, I start mysteriously having parental ones?<strong>

**Matt: Yeah! Why can't you let us just be happy?**

**Cassie: I'm sorry, really, I am! Blame it on my muse; they keep throwing juicy things to lengthen the plot at me and I can't not accept them! What would this story be without them? **

**Matt: Happy?**

**Mello: Safe?**

**_If you review right now with a finished version of this argument, then it might be the one featured in my next update! Go ahead and review now!_**

**_And, no, this is only partially because I'm lazy and I want reviews. I also want to see what you clever minds come up with!  
><em>**


	11. It starts

**Hey! Sorry for the break, but I was busy working with some personal problems + original works + a one-shot + terrible writer's block concerning this chapter _specifically._ I don't know why, but until the 20 questions idea, I didn't have any way to bring up what I wanted brought up in this chapter. **

**Please review!  
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**Oh, and some of the more sarcastic comments are due to my lovely beta, CatatonicVanity.  
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**I don't own Death Note, and you're pretty odd if you think for one moment that I do. I mean, that's totally why I'm posting this on a fanfiction website...  
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**Please reveiw! Sorry for the long AN.  
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><p>"How 'bout a game?" I ask Mello hopefully.<p>

He looks up at me with a raised eyebrow. "I'm studying."

"You've been studying for _hours_," I whine. "C'mon, I'll make it for your while…" He raises an eyebrow.

"I doubt you mean that the way I think you do," he states, looking much more interested than he was a moment ago.

"Do you really want to take that chance?"

"… What are we playing, then?" he asks, standing up from his desk and moving to sit next to me.

"Twenty Questions." When he gives me a blank look, I trudge on. "You get ten, I get ten. The other has to answer what ever you ask truthfully-no exceptions, no exclusions. Whatever you ask the other, you have to answer, too, though, if it in any way applies to you. Got it?"

He looks more apprehensive now, but nods.

"I'm going first," he says, beating me to the punch.

He seems to think for a little. "What color are your eyes? I've never seen them."

I tilt my head and consider taking them off. But then I remember my previous dream and stop.

"Dark blue-green," I say instead. "And, since that doesn't really apply to you, here's my question: What's your favorite color?"

He laughs. "How cliché is_ that? Seriously?_ It's green, though. What's your's?"

"Orange," I say, smiling. "Your turn."

The minute I said orange, his eyes trained in on my goggles, which were admittedly the same color.

"… Why do you wear those goggles?" he whispers, and the air feels different.

_ 'Can I skip that one?'_

"They were my dad's," I say instead. "It helps."

"With what?"

"The real world seems less real when it's a just shades of orange." After a distinct pause, I say brightly, "What was your Mom like?"

He smiles. "She's not _dead_, Matt. Misa lives with her. She looks a lot like Misa, except without the blue contacts. Her eyes are brown. She's the nicest person I know. How about your's?"

I sigh. I really shouldn't have asked that. How much to give away?

"She's an alcoholic. It mostly started when Selena's dad left; I don't really remember a time when she wasn't, but Selena does." There. That's all I'll tell him.

"Okay," he says. "My turn. What was your dad like?"

I look at him blankly. "He probably looked like me, but he was gone before my Mom even knew she was pregnant. She loved him more than anything, though. Your's?" I say, incredibly curious after the display yesterday.

"I never knew him," he says flatly.

I blink. "What?"

"I never knew him."

"What, and _Misa_ did?" He avoids my gaze. "Why are you lying to me?" I whisper.

"I'm not."

"Yeah." I say bitterly, getting up to leave. _"Sure." _

…

I don't talk to him for three days. _I won't._

… Was it so wrong to think that he wouldn't lie to me? I should've known. No one trusts me. No one _cares_ about me.

I'm just the friend that you like because he has even more problems than you do.

Why did I even bother? Why did I make friends again? I knew where that road went; I _knew_ how that battle ended.

Am I that stupid?

Of course I am-poor little Mail the bastard.

I guess I'll always be the home wrecker; the kid whose real father didn't care enough to stay and whose fake one left the moment he knew.

I should've known.

…

"Mattie!" Misa's shrill voice assaults me as I arrive at school that morning. I've recently found a delightful appreciation for walking.

I wince as she attaches herself to my arm. "Yes?" I say, noticing tear tracks of mascara running down her face and getting worried. "What happened?"

"Light," she murmured against my arm, tear tracks starting to soak through.

I sigh. For once, I wish I had been wrong on something that_ didn't_ involve Mello.

"Come with me," I murmur, shifting her off of me so that she could wrap her arms around my lower waist instead. God, she was short.

I feel her nod against the crook of my waist and start making my way to Light.

When I find him, he's talking to L. Of _course._

I stand in front of him, taking note of the almost lazily intelligent look in his eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I ask him. "What is so messed up in your head that you would use her like this _repeatedly?"_

He blinks at me, caramel eyes flashing. "I'm sorry. Do I know you?"

"No. But we_ both_ know Misa."

"Then I feel bad for you. What do you want?" he drawls, ignoring the crying Misa around my middle.

_"Pendejo."_ I hissed, letting my words get the better of me. "Stop being a fucking _ojete._ Misa doesn't deserve this. She _loves_ you and she doesn't deserve to have you stringing her on like she means nothing."

"And?"

"Either never talk to her again or treat her right when you do." I say. "This isn't a game and you may be smart, but that doesn't make everyone else your toy."

"Whatever," he drawls.

I turn to leave, but a small set of fingers grip my sleeve before I do. I turn around to see L.

"What?" I snap.

"Mello's getting himself deeper and deeper into things he shouldn't," the odd man said. "If you give up on him now, it will only get worse for both of you."

"And how would you know?" I ask, ignoring Misa trying to pull me away from him.

He looks me up and down, burying his hands further into his pockets. "I'm_ 'smart.'_" he says, turning to go. "You only have to look to see what's right in front of you."

By the time I think to ask_ 'What do you mean?'_, he's already gone.


	12. Leaving

**A/N: **Hey! This update is kinda-sorta on time! You people should be happy with me. Do you know how you award you give authors you're happy with? Reviews, people, you give them reviews!****

****B/N: I apologize if the Spanish is incorrect, but I don't speak Spanish. I used Google translator. ****

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><p>My fingers twirl around the rosary and, for the first time since I was so little, I pray.<p>

_"Creo en Dios Padre, Todopoderoso, Creador del cielo y la tierra:"_ I whisper. The words tumble from my lips naturally as my right hand moved to cross myself; in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. _"Y en Jesucristo, su Hijo unigenito, nuestro Senor, que fue concebido por el Espiritu Santo, nacido de la Virgin Maria: bajo Poncio Pilato, fue crucificado, muerto y sepultado: decendio a los infiernos: el tercer dia resucito de entre los muertos: subio a los cieliosy esta sent ado a la diestra de Dios Padre Todopoderoso: desde alli ha de venir a juzgar a los vivos ya los muertos: I creo en el Espirito Santo: yo creo en la santa iglesia catolica: la comunion do los santos, el pardoned de los pecados: la resurreccion de la carne: Y la vida eternal. Amen."_

I continue the prayer with the dictated Hail Mary's, not sure why I bother.

But when I reflect, I find that if Mello can find some comfort from these beads, then so can I.

So I hold the beads tightly, almost unaware of the tears slipping down my face.

A soft voice whispers behind me.

"When did you learn to pray with a rosary?" Mello asks in a small voice, walking up to me.

"My mother was heavily catholic," I whisper. "She did a lot of… _extreme_ things, but she always prayed for forgiveness… until a few years back."

"What happened then?" he asks, grasping my hand lightly in his.

I stay silent for a moment. "She gave up," I finally say.

He squeezes my hand, remaining silent.

"I don't want to give up on you, Mello," I say, looking out the window. "Are you ever going to tell me about your past, or do I have to rely on hints from people I barely know?"

"What did he tell you?" Mello asks after a terse silence, his hand going cold and immobile in mine.

"You're involved in something very dangerous," I whisper. "Something so dangerous and strict that you won't tell me about it. It probably has to do with the father you don't talk about. You're going to get hurt soon if you don't stop."

There is a long silence.

I squeeze his hand three times silently, knowing I was the only one hearing the unspoken word behind each twitch of my hand.

_'I.'_

_'Love.'_

_'You.'_

…

Mello and I go on as if we live in a world where we never fought over a game of 20 questions and I was never caught praying with a rosary. Where there are no problems with us, with anything.

We both spend as much time together as we can, savoring the other's company as much as is possible. It's an unspoken agreement to hold hands and sneak kisses at every opportunity.

If some asks me why we're acting like this, I wouldn't be able to tell them.

I have a sneaking suspicion and a gut feeling. God, I hope I'm wrong. But... It just seems as if…

As if we have a very limited amount of time together. As if this is too good to last. As if _something's_ going to happen at any moment.

Everything has that_ pressing_ quality that the air has right before a storm.

…

"Mattie," Misa whispers from beside me during class while the teacher continues to preach.

"Yes?" I say.

Instead of saying anything, she reaches out her hand and hands me a note.

Raising my eyebrow at her and answering Mello's confused look with an amused one, I read the note quickly, watching Misa passing something to Mello, who's sitting behind her. It's written in Misa's unmistakable loopy cursive.

_Mattie, _

_I'm going to act sick in a few minutes, with Mel-Mel following to take me to the nurse. Wait about five or ten minutes before asking to go the bathroom, please? We'll be waiting outside the front door. _

_I have something I want to tell you! Please come. _

_XOXOXO, Misa_

I nod lightly to Misa, incredibly curious to see just what this was about.

In the next few minutes, I watch Misa stumble up to the teacher and give him a few shaky but brilliant smiles and a pleading expression.

The poor man looks absolutely dazzled. He nods dumbly, and Misa calls out to Mello in an overly sick-sweet voice.

"Mel-Mel? Will you walk me to the nurse's office?"

He nods lightly, sending me a small smile and following her out of the classroom.

8 minutes and 37 seconds later, I decide to just do it because I'm already agitated without Mello there to distract me from the stupid man's lecture.

I raise my hand.

"…Yes?" the simple man drones.

"Can I go the bathroom?" I ask.

He spares me a small nod before continuing his lecture, and I take the time to escape.

Mello and Misa are waiting for me as I step outside, and I immediately stand next to Mello, grabbing his hand.

"Well? What was it you wanted to tell me, Misa?" I say, smiling.

The look she gives me is completely serious.

"Mattie?" she asks in a small voice. "You know I love you, don't you?" Her eyes are watering as she hugs me tightly.

"What's wrong?" I deadpan, looking at Mello, whose face has adopted a grim expression.

There's a kind of pain in his eyes… I squeeze out _I love you_ with my hand, giving him a searching look.

"What's happening?" I ask, a pleading note to my voice.

Mello sighs, looking above my head and slightly to the right instead of meeting my eyes.

"We have to leave," he whispers.

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><p><strong>So... you may not think I'm very review worthy for that ending... But reviews also make me write faster, so remember that! :D<strong>


	13. Silence

**Hi! Update is kinda late, I know... :/ You guys got the long end of the stick, though. For anyone reading my story One Word, I'm really sorry for how late that turned out to be. . I plan to do better this time.**

**And here is your longly-awaited chapter! :D  
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>"We<em> have to leave," he whispers.<em>

I stumble back a few feet, shaking my hand out of his grip as I try to process this."… Why?" I ask, my voice cracking as I look to Misa, who I know is more prone to answer me without thinking. I want as much honesty as possible.

She looks to Mello instantaneously.

He turns around to me and the look in his eyes is heartbreaking.

He wraps his arms around me carefully, one around my waist and the other around my shoulders.

"Things are too dangerous," he murmurs against my hair.

"Only if you make them that way," I say stubbornly.

His arms tighten around me and we stand there in silence for a few moments.

"I know," he says finally. "But it's too late to fix them now."

I pull out of his arms roughly, pounding my fist against his chest roughly. I doubt it hurts him, but it makes me feel better about all of this.

My head is spinning.

"_What_," I shout, deciding suddenly that I don't care anymore. "is so _dangerous_, so _volatile_, so damn _difficult _that no one feels like I have a right to know! Is there anyone who realizes that this affects me, too? I have a _right _to know." I emphasize every few words with another pound at his chest.

A look of hurt passes over his features before he swallows it up.

"Maybe you do," he murmurs, looking at the rosary around my neck instead of my face. "But, if I told you, I would be breaking some promises that aren't even mine to keep."

"You're breaking a promise by leaving!" I whisper brokenly. Maybe if I can convince him, he'll stay.

_ 'We have to leave,' _echoes in my mind, strengthening my resolve.

"I know." he says calmly. This time his eyes meet mine, and I wonder what he's drawing his courage from. "But sometimes promises are meant to be broken."

He presses his lips against mine lightly, fleetingly.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, just before there's a distinct pain at the base of my skull.

Everything goes black. 

…

_(3 weeks later…)_

"Mail, speak to me," Mrs. Green insists. The social worker doesn't seem as threatening as she was the first time I met her.

Then again, nothing seems to hold as much emotion in it for me as they used to.

I remain silent, looking at her blankly through the orange filament of my goggles.

She sighs. "Your teachers are concerned for your well-being, you know. According to the accounts of many people in your school, you haven't said a single word in weeks, and you refuse to do any of your work."

I stare lazily at a spot above her head and to the left, refusing to acknowledge her.

After all, none of them _understood_. None of them knew the pain I was going through.

None of them had lost their best friend and boyfriend in the same stroke.

None of them had woken up in a school parking lot to find out that everyone they cared about was gone.

Besides, it wouldn't make any difference even if I did speak. I've been through two new foster homes in the last couple of weeks.

They're just going to send me to another one, anyway, no matter what I do. 

…

"You did the right thing, Mel-Mel," Misa's childlike voice insists.

"Then why. Does it feel. So. Fucking. _Wrong_?" I say, emphasizing every few words with a punch to the wall next to me and staring blankly as the white, unpainted plaster begins to crack.

"Because it wasn't the right thing for you," Misa murmurs, pulling my hand from off the wall into hers and smoothing out the fist with light touches. "It was the right thing for him."

I shake my head, sinking down so that I was sitting with my back against the plaster of the wall.

"I didn't do it because it was the right thing," I whisper. "I did it because it was the only and best option I had. There's a difference."

She sighed lightly, glancing around at the people around us. None of them are within hearing distance in the large warehouse.

"Do you know why," she whispers. "I think you did the right thing?"

"Why?"

"This is the first time I have ever heard of someone finding a 'best option' in the Mafia."

I bang my head against the wall behind me.

"The best option would've been to leave," I correct. "We could've grabbed Matt and hid. We could've ran. Instead, I _stayed_. Because I never want to have to hide again. And _that's _why I did the wrong thing, Misa."

"You're proving my point," she murmured, sitting next to me. "It's the wrong thing for you to stay. But we both know it's the right thing for Mattie, and that's why you did it."

I say nothing, opting instead to sigh and put my head in my hands.

"He'll be fine," she murmurs, hearing my thoughts as if they were spoken.

But all I can do is remember is that broken look in his eyes as he tried to convince me to stay.

And I wonder; should I have listened?

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><p><strong>Please review! :D<strong>

**Oh, and I wanted to say that, if this whole story has a theme song, it would be Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright. 3 I love that song.  
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	14. Deal

**Hi! This update is kinda early-ish, but it's kinda to make up for the fact that I'll probably be gone for more than a week. Then, when I get back from the vacation I'm going on, I'll be able to _start_ this...  
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**It might be a while. . Sorry. But I need this vacation. I need a break right now.  
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><p><em>(5 years later…)<em>

I swear my heart stutters as I try to focus on anything else but the memories that are plaguing my mind. The floor and walls of my dingy apartment begin to spin and I stumble out, leaning heavily against the thin railing on the balcony just outside.

_'Deep breaths, Matt…'_

I chuckle lightly, taking another drag from the near-finished cigarette as my pulse quiets slowly.

It seems that I can hear her patronizing me even when she's not here.

_'She'll be back any minute now,' _I tell myself, using that as an anchor.

I know I'll probably be a bit bitter and snappish when she does. I don't like being reminded of how much I've started leaning on her over the years. It doesn't happen often, but, then again, she's hardly ever _not _there to distract me when I start thinking about _him_.

I take another deep, soothing, _distracting_, drag.

It's not until Sophie's walking down the balcony past other apartment doors carrying a large sack of groceries, that my pulse finally slides into a zone most people label as healthy.

Her gray-green eyes take in the situation with an awareness that might've been startling had I not known her as well as I did.

"Carry these," she says, cheerfully shoving the heavy bag at me as if nothing is wrong. I smile lightly to myself purely at the situation before following her; she knows me as well as I know her.

My mood has already lightened.

"What do you think we should do for dinner, Soph?" I ask her lightly as I sit the bag down on the table in the living room. Our small flat has five rooms-a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom, and two bedrooms (sometimes we still tell people we're dating, but, when no one's looking, we keep our own, separate bedrooms.).

"I dunno," she murmurs, sprawling on the couch lazily. "How does pizza sound to you? I'm not in the mood to fix anything."

"You know me," I answer, turning on the TV for her before she can ask (we lost the remote a few weeks ago). "If it was my choice, we would have pizza every day. It's only you that wants to cook once in a while.

She scrunches up her nose in the direction of the TV as I move to sit next to her.

"Go call for it, then." she says with more than a hint of distaste in her voice. She hates to order food, I know.

I chuckle at her grumpiness. "Did you happen to bump into anybody at the store?" I ask carefully. It feels like I'm treading on thin ice.

"Yeah," Sophie grumbles, blowing some soot black curls out of her eyes with heart shaped lips and a pout. "Oh, and I want pepperoni."

"Okay," I agree easily, dialing the number. "Who was it, if I can ask?"

"I don't really know their names," she says. "They came up asking about you, though. We might have to move again. Seems like the locals are getting suspicious."

I sigh. "We knew it was coming, I guess." I listen to the man on the other end of the line for a second and tell him our order and address before hanging up. "What did they look like?"

She pauses.

I give her a critical glance, sitting next to her in a smooth swoop over the back of the couch so that I can see her expression more clearly.

"There were two of them." she says in a calculating voice. "One was probably a bodyguard, with dark skin, dreads and thick muscles. He didn't say anything to me."

When she pauses, I grab her hand, squeezing it lightly for comfort. "And the other?"

"It was horrible," she whispers and I know, very suddenly, what she's going to say.

"He was scarred, wasn't he?" I ask. She nods, swallowing.

"It was a burn. It covered the entire left side of his face, and I think it trailed down to the rest of his body as well, because he was wearing a glove on his left hand but not his right one. He… he _has _to be wanted for something. If he wasn't, he would've gotten it tended to more than that. He would've gone to a hospital."

I nod, slumping back into the couch for a second. A feeling of dread is slowly encompassing me.

We've only been living here for four months. They're closing in on us.

_'Maybe it's time I made a deal with the Mafia…'_

…

I fucking hate freelance hackers who think they can do whatever they want.

It's not as it they'll win in the end. Any fairly intelligent hacker should know not to mess with me. I had gained a reputation in the Mafia for being quick-tempered and ruthless.

This hacker is different.

They're more than 'fairly intelligent'. They have an IQ that could rival even mine and it's bugging me to no end.

Each time, we got closer and closer to finding him, but, each time, he managed to slip away just in time for him and his girlfriend to remain anonymous.

We have descriptions. Just no names.

With anyone else, I would be able to reassure myself that I would catch them in no time.

But, whoever this hacker was, I have the distinct feeling I was being played.

"Mello!" Misa says, snapping her fingers in front of my eyes. "Relax. I swear, you get worse every year. More and more Mafia in that head of your's… but less Mello."

"I know." I say calmly. "But Mello wouldn't be here right now, and we both know that I _need_ to."

"Yeah," she says sadly. "We do."

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><p><strong>Please review! ^_^ Help me be inspired to write as soon as I get back! :D<strong>


	15. Hand in Hand

**. Sorry for the size this time, but I assure you there is a reason. Everything will be explained next time. **

**Reviews are the same as life blood, you know. I could die. :(  
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**And you want the next chapter, right? ^-^ Reviews make it come faster.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>"What names do you want this time?" The man asks in a bored tone.<p>

"Matthias and Sophie Johnson. Pick your own middle names; I could care less. Mess with the ages a bit and claim we're married," I drawl, wanting to get this over with. He nods, writing it down.

"I'm assuming you'll pay extra to have them done in a few days?"

"Of course, Ross. Anything to get out of here."

His smile turns greedy. "And how much do I get for my silence?"

I finger the gun in my back pocket, but he only smirks. We both know I need him and that I won't shoot him.

Sophie seems to know as well, as she lightly rests her hand on my shoulder as if to calm me down.

"We'll pay you the usual," she says, giving him a flat stare. "You need the money just as much as we need the papers."

He shrugs. "Can't blame a man for trying. I'll see you in 3 days."

We leave as quickly as we can.

…

As soon as we're inside the apartment, we begin packing. "We're getting a new man next time we need papers," I tell her. "He's asking for more and more money every time. Eventually, the Mafia will offer him more than we have."

She nods and I can tell that this whole thing agitates her.

We finish packing very quickly. We're used to it by now.

As we get into my car, I find the courage to do one of the bravest things I have ever done.

"You could leave, you know," I tell her, heart pounding. All the warmth in my body has disappeared, and I focus my eyes on the nice, distracting road in front of me. "They don't want you. They want me. You deserve a life better than this."

"They've already spotted me," she murmurs. "They ask people about me by description."

"I can feed them some bullshit about a breakup."

She looks out the window and scans the road quickly. There is no one around us for miles.

"What-" I ask, only to be interrupted as she stretches her leg to my side of the car, pressing down on the brake solidly.

The car comes to a loud and screeching halt. "What the hell?" I scream at her, trying unsuccessfully to push her foot off the brake. "You could have killed us!"

"Do you really want me to leave, Mail?" she asks me harshly. "After everything we've been through? Do you really think that I would just leave? What kind of person would I have to be to do that to you? You have a fucking panic attack when I go out for groceries." By the end of her little tirade, she's screaming.

I put my hand on her shoulder, pushing her back into her seat gently.

"I know. I just had to ask. I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't try."

"Why?"

"For both of our sakes."

…

_ How does a truce sound?_  
><em>4pm outside your base. <em>  
><strong><em>-SPAM<em> **

Short, sweet, and to the point.

I don't know how he managed to get the message on my computer without leaving a trace. I just know that I was tempted to meet the hacker purely because it would be a way to end this all.

Maybe I could kill him.

…or maybe I could hire him.

Hey, I win either way.

I glance at the digital watch currently wrapped around my non-gloved wrist and growl.

If I wanted to go, I would have to do it now.

…

"I can't believe you think this is a good idea," Sophie rants. I shrug, pulling on my knee-length leather boots and walking out of our fairly new apartment.

"The way I see it, either they would've found us or we'd come to them," I say. "I like our odds better when we come to them."

"They'll probably just shoot us on first sight."

I tilt my head at her as I open the car door and get in.

"I don't think they will. I think they need us alive just as much as we need to be alive."

The rest of the drive there, a full 30 minutes, is filled with terse silence.

As we stop a few blocks away and get out, I turn to her.

"Soph," I murmur, looking to my feet. "I really don't want you to die."

She hugs me suddenly, almost knocking me off my feet.

She chuckles in my ear.

"You know what?" she asks. "I think that's like an 'I love you' in Matt speak."

The temperature around my face gets suspiciously warmer.

We walk to meet the Mafia head the same way we've done things for the last five years.

Together.

Hand in hand.


	16. Where Were You?

**Hey! _*waves nervously*_ Please read the A/N at the end of this chapter.**

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><p>I don't know what made me think it was a good idea to trust the hacker.<p>

_'He could kill me before I even think to grab my gun.'_ I think uneasily, waiting in front of the base. Paranoia is slowly seeping in, but so is the thing that keeps me rooted here, waiting for him;

A hint of adrenaline laces through my veins. It's been a very long time since I took a completely ridiculous risk. Too long.

I eye the street corner ahead of me restlessly. He should be here any second.

I take a snapping bite of chocolate before pulling my black fur-lined coat closer around myself. It's freezing out here.

It's about five more minutes before I see him walk cautiously around the corner, his hands raised in the air even as he slouches heavily, his chin tucked into the fur on his sleeveless vest. His hair shines a brilliant dark red, shaggily cut and restricted by the band of a pair of orange goggles.

My breath comes to me in a sharp pant.

_'Matt.'_

…

I reach the corner.

My fingers come to rest at the rosary around my neck before tucking it under my vest. I turn to Sophie.

"Stay here," I murmur to her, hoping whoever's waiting won't hear. "If I need your help, I'll call you, okay?" She pauses, biting her lip, before nodding tersely.

"If I hear something, anything, I'm coming for you." I nod tiredly.

I raise my hands in the air as I step around the corner.

A man is standing there, a bar of chocolate wrapped in one hand, the other pulling a dark and furry jacket closer to his body. His hair is blonde, shoulder-length and choppily-cut.

These are not the features that hold my attention the most, though. Instead, my eyes are drawn to the large burn covering the left side of his face.

He sees me at the same instant I see him.

His eyes scan me up and down before going impossibly wide. One of his hands, almost unconsciously, moves up to cross his self.

His lips move faintly, and I can't hear what he says, but I know it all the same.

"_Matt_?"

I swallow, looking over his face again in confusion.

"Do I-?" The answer hits me like a lightening bolt.

"_Mello_? Is that you?" My hands drop and I take a step back, staggering slightly. Sophie immediately runs to me from around the corner, grabbing my arm and looking around wildly.

My heart is beating quickly and irregularly as I try to force myself to breathe. My eyes can't leave his face, can't stop tracing the scar that falls across his cheekbone, receding a bit back and going down his neck before disappearing into the fluffy collar of his jacket.

I put a hand blindly onto Sophie's shoulder, trying to calm her down and draw comfort from her at the same time.

"What… _happened_ to you?" I blurt out before thinking, Sophie trying to hush me to no avail.

He winces, eyes snapping away from Sophie's hold on my wrist and up to my face.

"An accident."

As opposed to what? Holding a lighter to his face? I snort.

"I should've known you would've gone into the mafia." I blurt out. "It fits you so well it's ridiculous." The remark sound more cutting than I'd meant it to be.

The corner of his mouth twitches before he looks to Sophie again.

"And who is this?" his voice is slightly colder.

"Hi!" She says, a ridiculous smile on her face. She, no doubt, thinks this is a good thing. She's always whining about how I need more friends. "I'm Sophie. I didn't quite catch your name…"

"I'm Mello." Her face goes white and I know that she's realized just exactly who he is now.

I've told her everything about my past in small sporadic bits over the years. I wonder, now, whether that was a good idea or not.

The look in her eyes as she looks at him is something akin to hatred, like that of a mother hen protecting her eggs.

"I see." she murmurs, her grip on my arm tightening.

"Soph," I warn her. She doesn't listen.

"And where," she asks, getting louder as she goes. "Have you been the last four years, exactly? Where were you when he wouldn't speak to anyone? _Where were you_ when he tried to _kill himself?_"

His eyes dart to mine with a hollow look inside them, as if all the life has drained out.

"I don't know. Why don't we take this inside?" he murmured, looking to the left of my eyes and above me as if he couldn't meet my eyes. "You probably want answers, don't you?"

I nod, following him without thinking.

…

I could kill him right now.

Just thinking back, remembering all the times that it never seemed like Matt would ever be himself again, all the times I would something knew about his past and wonder where the rest of him could be hiding…

All I can think about is how the man in front of me is the one that should have been there with Matt.

I can still see the pain in his eyes, the emptiness. I can remember him softly asking me to never say that name. That it was too painful to even hear it. I remember the practiced way he would slip on a mask so that no one could tell he was hurting.

I remember everything.

But, most of all, I remember how he looked only a few days ago when I had been out getting groceries.

Lost. Abandoned. Hurting.

Four years later and he still isn't over Mello.

And now he's back?

I'm not letting Matt get hurt like that again. I'm not going to sit and watch that happen.

* * *

><p><strong>Sooo... Reason for the late update is that I've started a new story. It's another MelloxMatt story, but this time it's cannon. It's from Mello's perspective. I've already posted the first chapter up here. Please check it out! I would love to know what you all think. :3<br>**

**Please review!  
><strong>


	17. Never could resist

***nervous laughter* Okay, so it wasn't that late. No need to be angry... . .**

**Yeah, it was a bit late. :/ Sorry! **

**:D Please review!**

**I love you all! **

* * *

><p>"My father wasn't a good man," Mello murmurs, looking down at his hands clasped together in his lap. "He was, realistically, psychotic. A bit schizophrenic, maybe."<p>

Misa, currently sitting next to me with her arms firmly around my waist and her face buried in my side, nods.

"He hurt Mel-Mel a lot when he was younger." Mello pulls off a leather glove on one hand to show off a long, pinkish scar.

"He liked knives," Mello says simply. I can't drag my eyes away from the scar.

Sophie squeezes my hand, her eyes slowly softening as she watches Mello carefully. I don't think she'll ever like him, but she seems to understand him more now, one formerly abused child to another.

Mello's eyes flit up to mine sparingly. "He liked the Mafia because of the power it gave him. The control. Eventually he rose to the top. I was about 7. Misa was 8. We lived with Mom most of the time, but he had partial custody so we saw him whenever he deigned it fit to visit." His tone turns bitter.

"It got to the point where he didn't visit often, and I guess Mom started to feel safe. We all let out guard down, little by little.

"I was 13 when he started visiting again. Sometimes he would bring his colleagues with him. He would bully Mom into giving him beer money. Sometimes he would scare Misa just for the fun of it. He never liked her-she wasn't his.

"We started running out of money, and Mom lost her job. My dad sued for custody of me and, probably by sheer money, he won. I was 15."

Misa clings just a little tighter to my side.

"It was tough," Mello says, a harder tone to his voice. "I was extremely close to Misa for a long time and suddenly I never saw her anymore. I learned to fend for myself, to become more independent. I stopped caring about what others thought about me. I learned that I was gay.

"I tried to kill myself."

My breath hitches, but I remain silent, waiting for him to finish.

"That was about when Social Services took me away from him. Even his money couldn't make them look past my condition anymore, and teachers were complaining. I went to live with the Readies."

He gives me a small, bitter smile.

"I thought I was free of him, finally. I even started seeing Misa again. I met you. Everything was wonderful." He chuckles dryly.

"I should've known."

Misa whimpered softly, seeming to expect what was coming. Sophie rested her head lightly on my shoulder.

"He started visiting me at school, threatening me to join the Mafia. It didn't work.

"That's about when he started threatening those I cared about… Misa, at first. Paid Light more than you would believe to break up with her when I didn't listen."

I pet Misa's hair lightly, and her head pulls back from my side a bit.

"Light is dead now," she murmurs softly, bright blue eyes looking straight into mine. "Mommy is dead. L is dead. Near is dead. So many people are dead."

I wrap my arm around her shoulder a little tighter.

"Eventually he started threatening others… Including you." He looks up with sharp, narrowed eyes that echo with pain.

He takes a deep breath.

"That's when I caved. Brought Misa with me because he told me to. I did what he told me for a very long time.

"Then he died.

"I thought I was finally free. I even considered looking for you so that I could tell you what had happened… But it didn't take long to remind myself that you would probably hate me by now. I fell back on the Mafia, and I've been slowly taking it down from the inside ever since."

I stare at him, and the room is silent for a long time.

"What are we going to do now?" he asks me softly.

I shrug, holding onto Sophie's hand like an anchor.

"I have no idea," I say softly. "I came here to start something more. I thought I could bribe the Mafia head to leave us alone, maybe. I never expected to see you again."

"I never expected to see you either," he stated, stormy eyes looking me over. "Frankly, I don't even expect to live through the year."

"Why?" Sophie interjects.

"I've got a plan. In a month, I'm going to blow up headquarters. You two should probably leave. I could get you new IDs, even pay for your transportation, but you have to leave now."

His voice is cold, and it's so very tempting.

To just leave, get a free start somewhere. To find a new life with Sophie. Maybe even be happy for once in my life.

I could be rid of him, truly and finally.

But then I remember the tone of his voice when he said that he's going to die.

I remember the look in his eyes.

I remember how we used to be, how much I used to care about him. How we used to fit together like pieces of a puzzle…

And I can't do it. I just can't.

I never could resist doing something for someone I cared about.

"No," I say determinedly. "You are not dying. And I'm not leaving."

He blinks at me with a shocked look on his face. I chuckle.

"Where does this put us?" he asks. I can feel Sophie stiffen next to me.

"I have no idea. But I'm along for the ride, even if it kills me."

Sophie sighs, relaxing her muscles. "So am I," she murmurs. "Matt is the only family I have left."

I realize with a jolt that that's the perfect word to describe us-family. I have a family. It's a fairly new concept.

"Me, too," Misa chirps, giving off a brilliant smile.

"You're all going to die," Mello murmurs bitterly with a happy light in his eyes.

"Then you'll just have to save us," I say, giving him a smile.

I've never been so happy to know I was going to die.

* * *

><p><strong>C'mon...<strong>

**Ya'll have to be happy with me for that... Review!**


	18. Going out with a Bang

**Hey, so this is the last chapter. All we have is this plus the epilogue and this story is done... :/ Thanks so much for all the reviews and junk. It's been a wonderful ride for me.**

**Love to all of the ones that have been here reading this since the very beginning.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>"So this is what we'll do," he murmurs to me softly, spreading out a small map of the mafia headquarters with slightly shaking hands. His eyes don't meet mine exactly.<p>

It's like he's afraid of me.

Or of what I might think.

"I'll gather everyone here-" he points to a large room in the center "-for a meeting. Remember the explosives we rigged? This is where they come in handy."

"What if someone doesn't come?" Sophie asks, a finger lightly tracing the lines of the map.

Mello chuckles dryly. "They will. And if they don't, we'll find them. That's the point, see? No one left to tell the tale."

"We can't possibly get everyone," Misa murmurs.

Mello nods. "The ones left will be cowards. They'll just be happy it's all over-just like I will be."

"Me too," I say lightly, not realizing I'd said it out loud until I felt the words leaving my mouth.

…

I don't know how his hand slips into mine-I didn't put it there, and from the expression on his face, he didn't either. But neither of us let the other go, and I guess that matters more, right?

Yeah, I think so.

"So you pull the trigger when I text you," he says, a ring of finality entering his voice. I nod.

"And then Sophie will shoot anyone who manages to survive." A bitter tinge is found in my voice.

I head to the computer room and he heads out to a good vantage spot outside the door. His hand slips out of mine.

"Don't die," I call out softly. He chuckles.

"I won't if you won't."

…

It's the space key that I press when Mello texts me.

One push down and the monitor in front of me is filled with smoke and then static.

…

Pulling the trigger is so easy. I remember the first time I used a gun...

"That's the final straw, Sophia," my father had growled. His hand had inched toward my neck.

And I had wrestled the gun out of his pocket. He had cursed, grabbing for it, and I had pulled the trigger blindly, shooting him in the stomach.

I had been horrified at myself. But I guess using a gun is like riding a bike; you never forget.

A fat man with burnt and blistering hands scrambles out of the burning headquarters.

I aim. Rest my hand against the trigger. Fire.

_Crack!_

He falls like a puppet with cut strings. It's like a videogame.

And I've got all the lives.

…

**2 months later…**

"What's for dinner, Soph?" I ask from the couch, head on Mello's shoulder.

"I don't know," she says lightly, plomping down next to me on the sofa. "Misa hasn't gotten back from the grocery store yet and she was hinting that she might want to make something this time."

I raise an eyebrow, remembering the last time Misa tried to cook.

Sophie and Mello laugh. My hand is squeezed lightly by one of them, I'm not sure which.

"She's much better now, I swear. I've been working with her."

"Okay, then," I say with an easy smile. "But it's your fault if I get food poisoning."

Mello kisses my forehead.

"What was that for?"

"You're here, aren't you?"

…

I stare at the razor blade in my hands, contemplating.

I have succumbed to temptation many times throughout the years. I never really stopped hurting myself.

But, this time, I put it back down, distaste washing through me.

_'Maybe another day,'_I think. And I might have just walked an inch, but it feels like a mile.

And all that matters is that I think I've finally found my control.

* * *

><p><strong>So... yeah. Sorry that it's late. I've had a crapload of emotional trauma and even a small breakdown recently and I was just a bit wore down. <strong>

**Next chap's the epilouge.**

**~Cassie.**


	19. Selena

_**Shorter than I thought it'd be, but hey. It works. I like how it turned out.**  
><em>

_**TO ALL THAT HAVE REVIEWED! Thank you all so much. I really appriciated it. It made my day every time I got one, and I'm not kidding.  
><strong>_

_**Thank you all for the amazing journey that this story has been for me.  
><strong>_

_**~Cassie  
><strong>_

* * *

><p><em>6 years later…<em>

"EHHAAA!" The little girl, about 3, runs from her father with freshly shown shock and glee. She is small, with wavy dark blonde hair and green-blue eyes.

I lean against the threshold of our apartment door, watching as Mello chases our daughter, closing in and grabbing her up around her waist. He raises her into the air above his head, letting her flail around wildly.

"Lemme go!" she shouts, giggling, and I feel a small smile tug at my lips as I close the door behind myself.

"Are Misa and Soph still at work?" I ask lightly, sitting at the couch. Mello puts her down and she runs up to me, sitting in my lap.

"Mama and Mommy will be home at three," she states almost proudly, and I chuckle.

Selena was born less than three years ago, the genetic offspring of Misa and I. Mello had wanted a child for some ungodly reason, and maybe, just maybe, I had as well. Her name, Selena Hope Keehl, was a way of tying our past up and burning it, nothing more.

Her IQ is one hundred and thirty-four. She was able to read at one and a half.

She is our little miracle.

I bounce her on my leg lightly, delighting in the giggle she gives off.

"And what time is it now?" I ask, looking to Mello.

"About two thirty. You're late," he says with a smirk, sitting down next to me and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "What happened?"

I sigh, leaning against his shoulder and playing with Selena's hair. "Some bitch at the job decided to give me a hard time because I had a kid and I wasn't married."

Mello laughs into my hair and leans down, pressing his lips onto my forehead lightly before kissing my lips with the same light pressure.  
>"And what did you tell her?"<p>

"That I had a better family than she could ever dream of."


End file.
